no one ever said it would be this hard
by poisonrationalitie
Summary: plenty of girls can do it, some seem to for sport, but cho can't find the words. the day she's dreaded comes to life.


**A/N For the Quarterly Event Sticker Collection. Rare Stickers - Halloween #1 - Spider: Facing Your Fears**

**Warnings: Mentioned Character Death, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Manipulation, Toxic Relationship, Swearing**

Cho stared at her reflection, watching the water drip down her face. Tonight was the night. She had to do it now. If he kept talking about their plans, if he kept wanting to move things forward, she'd be in too deep to change anything. Her stomach twisted. She hated this part. Not that she was familiar with it; in her last relationship, there had sort of been...no real need. It had just faded. Really, she'd never done this. It was something she heard about from other girls, with an undercurrent of judgement and bitterness. It was something Cho had never thought she'd have to do.

She turned the tap off, and forced herself to face the door. She twisted her bracelet nervously, taking a deep breath. This was it. She pushed through and took a seat at the dining table. Her boyfriend was curled up on the couch, listening to the wireless, his eyes shut. She pressed her thumb against her bottom lip, twisting into the curve between her mouth and chin. She hadn't been single in over two years. At least she'd have Marietta. Some couples moved in together and broke up shortly after and left themselves with nowhere to go - she'd seen it all too often with others from her year and the year above, getting an apartment after dating in Hogwarts. Luckily, she was sharing her lease with her best friend, not a boy.

"Michael," she said, trying not to let her voice wobble. Godric, was she really going to do this? Nausea burned her stomach. What if she was making a mistake? How would she ever get another boyfriend? She and Michael had been together since she was a sixth year. She didn't know how adults dated. She groaned. What if she was dooming herself to being forever alone? _At least you have Marietta, _a little voice reminded her.

"Shh," he said. "Appleby's about to score, I think." And wasn't that proof in the pudding? But she was frightened, still. How would she sleep alone? Would she get to sleep, without someone holding her? Yes, she had Marietta, but it wasn't the same. She opened her mouth, but no words came out. "Yes! Yes, they scored! Hundred and sixty in front, now. Can you believe it?"

_Well, that's it then, isn't it, Cho?_

She felt as if she was going to suffocate. She clasped her hands together, and looked to the roof, as if it might provide some answers. It stared blankly at her. "Michael," she said, unable to hide the fear in her voice. She got up from the table, and switched off the wireless. His eyes opened, and he looked up at her.

"I was into that," he said. His hair was mussed, curling around his ears. He always kept it a little longer than most boys, and it made her stomach flutter. No. She couldn't think of that. Not now.

"Can we talk?" Cho stared at a picture on the wall. It was a photo of Marietta and her grandparents. Suitably unemotional for Cho. She could almost predict the way he'd react, his blue eyes filling with concern.

"Yeah. Of course we can." The lounge creaked as he sat up, and scooted over. She sat down. The warmth of where he'd been laying ran through her. Godric, what if she messed this up? She didn't want to break his heart. She was scared of having one of those fights, of tearing into each other, or of never being able to look at him again, the way she couldn't look at Harry. "Is it because I forgot to floo? I meant to let you know we'd be late, time just -"

"Michael," she said, his name like a freshly squeezed lemon. It hurt her tongue. "No, I can't -" _I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. It's too much. Too frightening. I could just go along with it, it's not like soulmates are real anyways, it's fine. Settle, Cho. Just settle._

"Can't what?" he asked, his voice deepening. "You can't forgive me? Just for that?"

"Michael." _Michael Michael Michael. Is that all you can say? _"It's not just that. I want to...talk about a lot of things." She tore her eyes away from Marietta's grandmother's face, refocusing on the floor. _Coward. _

"Cho." He took her hands, his touch burning her. "I love you, you know. I don't say that enough. I love you." The tears were welling in her eyes. Instinctively, her lips shaped the words. _But you don't. You don't love him. Say it. _"Cho. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Sick formed in her mouth. She'[d been terrified he would say that. And now he was, it was happening just as she'd expected, just as she'd seen in her nightmares. Of course it was. They'd been dating for two years. She knew him better than she knew herself, sometimes.

"Michael." How did she explain? How did she confess she imagined Cedric in his place for the first year of their relationship, how did she confess the thoughts she had late at night, even with his arms around her, of spiralling and ending it all? How did she look at him and tell him she didn't love him, maybe never had? "Fuck," she whispered, the tears threatening to bubble over. Cho had never wanted it to come to this. Maybe if they'd kept things slow, maybe she could've grown to settle for him, to pretend. _Liar. _

"Cho," he said, his voice throaty. "Cho, you know I love you. So much. So, so much. Everything about you. Cho -"

"You're hurting me," she managed. His knuckles were white, grip binding around her hands.

"I'm sorry," he said, and to his credit, let go quickly. "Is it because of me listening to the game? Baby, we can do whatever you want to do. I promise. I'll make teriyaki chicken for dinner, I can go do the groceries now." Was he ever going to shut up? But then again, if he did shut up, she'd have to speak. She'd have to say _it. _Did she even have the words? Were they inside her, somewhere? _Fuck. _

The dams burst, and the tears began to roll down her cheeks. Gently, he touched his fingers to her chin, turning her head to face him. His eyes glistened.

"We can get through this," he told her. "I love you, Cho." _Say it. Say it. Be brave, like Cedric. Admit it._

"Michael," she said, and choked, but stumbled over it. Her lips were slick. "I'm not happy."

"Cho."

"I'm not happy - with _you_." Her stomach lurched. Despite herself, she wanted to fling her arms around him and sob into his shoulder. She wanted to run. She wanted to backpedal. To lie. She sniffled, looking up, and wiped the tears off her cheeks.

"I can make you happy," Michael said. "We've been happy together. I'll try harder." She managed to shake her head, and inched away from him. It took all her courage to form her next words, to not give in.

"You should have been trying hard already," she said. "I can't do this." _Tell the truth. _Fear clawed at her throat. _Tell him. _"Michael, I - I don't -"

"Cho -"

"_\- want. _I don't _want _to do this anymore. I'm not - I - Michael, I-" _Say it! _"-I don't love you anymore." The words let her breathe. She inhaled deeply, shutting her eyes and squeezing the last of the tears out. Her heart was racing. But she'd done it. Said the thing she was so terrified of voicing. "Thank you. For - this." Somehow, she felt lighter. Floaty, maybe.  
"Cho."

"I know. I'm sorry, Michael. But this can't happen anymore."


End file.
